April to Remember

So this April was ... wild. THAT WILD, it was worth a blog post to remember. THAT WILD that once, as a speaker in a webinar last weekend, suddenly I had to put both of my hands over my mouth, make sure I was on mute, and act like I was coughing. When actually I screamed OUT LOUD. TWICE.

Then I got back to the smiley, friendly face (your resting bitch face girl over here works hard for it, of course). Answered the audience's questions, interacted with the other speaker, and took pictures, just like any regular event I did for the past year. 

As you might know, I like sharing my thoughts with people, whatever the channel is. Up to this point, writing is the set-up I love the most, but speaking is a newfound love that I enjoy every bit of it. I really like the saying: I get paid to talk, lol. Growing up a shy girl, I feel like I found a new natural talent in speaking. I mean it.

But this month, I attended 23 public and internal events as a speaker. TWENTY THREE. Then I had some campaigns with brands, plus meetings in-betweens, presentation deck making, and tons of revisions here and there.

On some days, I found myself on a back-to-back, 3 events a day (some even on weekends). On another day, I sat on my chair for hours without a break, trying to make exciting content for the campaigns. Followed by meetings, meetings, meetings, rehearsals, rehearsals, rehearsals.

And take into consideration, peeps, that I still have to produce original content. Instagram feed carousel, stories, Instagram videos, YouTube videos (I'm giving up my podcast this month!)

Honestly speaking, it was very exhausting.

For once, after my resignation last year, I feel helpless and anxious. I feel the urge to do everything in a rush again. The ~bad~ habit of pushing myself to the limit, wanting everything to be perfect, and being impatient with myself is returning. It ain't good for me.

Then the daunting thought came: Would all the mindfulness theories, practice, and classes I attended the whole time go down in flames? 

But then I realize it won't. It's not. Your body remembers. Your mind is trained. As long as you constantly try to feel it, regulate your emotion. Feeling something and perceiving something as good or bad is always okay. You do not need to always feel good about yourself or your job.

Yes, you do everything you cherish the most, but it doesn't mean you have to do it happily every day.

Yes, you like your job, you feel like it's your passion and calling, but it doesn't mean you don't deserve to feel exhausted. You are allowed to feel low; you may feel dead-tired; you could perhaps want to stop the work and lie down on your bed scrolling Tiktok all day long.

So I screamed in a webinar and felt way better. I told JG and Bebe that I roared that loud because I wanted to. They understood. I scroll TikTok and watch YouTube all day on Sunday. I keep my studio and the work away. I still had one or two lazy Sundays, which brought me joy.

On a very overloaded day, I wrapped up the day with journalling to untangle the cluttered in my mind. You ain't forget that I'm a mom too, right? So I squeeze my time to hang around Bebe's room and check his school task. It's fascinating how a full-time job as a mom becomes my rest time for a while.

I did the breathing exercise every time the day was overwhelming. I did meditation every morning. I did the morning rituals of taking a bath and putting on my skincare without any rush. I tried not to multitask everything and check my to-do list one by one. One at a time.

It helps. A lot.

So that's my April to remember. Have a good holiday, peeps!

PS: I've been writing mixed-language English - Bahasa Indonesia forever, and I feel I'm not improving. So starting from today, I'll try to write entirely in English OR comprehensively in Bahasa Indonesia. At least here in the blog. Cheers!

-ast-